In honour of a hilarious (read: demented) link my friend sent to me (read here), here is my open letter to my future bridesmaid…
To my lovely Bridesmaid….
As you know, you have the honour…nay, the privilege of being a bridesmaid on what will be hopefully be one of many days in my life. It also goes without saying that it will also be one of many days in your life too, and you should treat it accordingly. However your work, social life and liver function will take a back seat to what I want, and if you don’t agree then don’t think you will be relieved of your duties, oh no, you should be so lucky! My sister will be the Maid of Honour, and she’s in charge under me. Don’t bother her or me with trifling nonsense like “I don’t know what strawboys are”, “the sheep are trying to escape” or “I just got hit by a car”… WE WILL ACCEPT NO EXCUSES!!!
You will undoubtedly have a big role in this wedding, so before we go any further I need to clear a few things up. If you cannot answer all of the below questions to my satisfaction…well, let’s just say we may need to have words:
- What’s the difference between Red Aftershock and Mickey Finn’s?
- Can you dance the Siege of Ennis?
- Have you ever attended mass in Knock?
- “Beer then wine makes you feel fine. Wine then beer brings on The Fear” Discuss.
In addition if I hear any of the following statements, then I will have no choice but to assume you are below par for my ‘vision’ of the day:
- ‘DJ Tiesto has some class tunes all the same’
- ‘Did you hear Crystal Swing have a new album out?’
- ‘No thanks, I’m just having the one’
It’s a safe bet to say the wedding will take place at some stage in the future. Until then, I demand to know about any holidays, days off, doctors’ appointments or bathroom breaks you intend to have between now and whenever the wedding takes place. Mainly as I’m nosey, and this is a good excuse. The wedding will be…somewhere. The hen night will be…somewhere else. And the detox/rehab session will be the final port of call. Cliché I suppose…but let’s face it. It’s an half Irish wedding.
As this will be organized over two different countries, certain expectations will need to be met. For instance, you will probably need to wear a dress. Penny’s attire need not apply, however we may consider Dunnes boutique as Mammy Mulligan says its gone up in the world…
If you decide to accept my offer of being bridesmaid then be assured I have certain expectations: 1.) DJ Dave is to be prevented from talking through each and every song – no-one cares that he goes to Electric Picnic every year. 2.) Artic Roll for dessert is a right, not a privilege. 3.) You are to mind the Mammy and make sure that she gets up to jive for at least 2 songs. And finally 4.) unless at least 3 people are hospitalized from drink, I will consider you have failed in your duties…Though I will probably settle down if you offer to do the Muppet Dance.
We will need to be in touch a lot which means I need a quick response in replying to my messages – a 2-3 minute timescale is acceptable. I will excuse a delay only if you are in the West of Ireland. Everyone knows that’s a dead zone with cat reception. Please continue to send me funny pictures of dogs though. I love those.
Finally, ever since I sobered up and remembered I said yes, I’ve been dreaming of this day. I want to share it with those who mean the most to us, and those who can take a joke and hold their drink. You only get one chance at having a wedding you want… but as that cost a fortune, I’m grand with this one. If you don’t think you can make the wedding or the hen, then consider yourself unfriended on Facebook. Yeah, I’m that serious.
Unless you can get back to me within 26 seconds, the deal is off. “This is really going to be the most awesomest wedding EVER!!!” says no-body I want at my wedding…
Lots of Love!!